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I eat my tacos over another tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco. 
I told my boss I wanted to take a day of mental health leave but I was all out. She said "You're all out of leave?" I said "No, I'm all out of mental health."
Somehow I lost my phone. Please inbox me with your social security number.
My doppelgänger is a package of fried sausages soaking through the cover of a fitness magazine.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Here we see a weak male preparing for a lifetime of loneliness. [camera pans to me at a bar showing a girl my tweets]
David Wilson coughs up more balls then Kim Kardashian at a Kanye show.
When I'm having a crappy day, sometimes I'll yell out "Computer, Arch!" hoping it has all been a Star Trek Holodeck simulation.
The worst mistake a man can make is to say ''I'm all ears honey'' to a woman.
It's called ''Honeymoon'' because sooner or later, you wish you were on the moon far away from the devil disguised as ''Honey'' you just married.
Asleep, it's what my wife is while I am having sex.
My girlfriend says 4" is not enough, that's why I'm waiting on Galaxy Note 2...
the best way to end up divorced...get married.
O.K.,, I've got my bucket list.. Now what do I DO with all these buckets.
When someone says they are sending you an email and if you don't see it check your spam mail, you always gotta wonder why their account got flagged in the first place
Hollywood is way out of touch. This new show on every channel is so lame...
How am I supposed to make an educated decision when I dont know what the hell skinny tastes like!!!
If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting.
hipsters: being uncool on purpose since 1979...don't believe me? I heard it on vinyl...
loves a liquid lunch!!
My girlfriend will never be able to satisfy my needs because what I need is a new girlfriend. 