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All this talk about egg rolls is making me hungry for Chinese foood. 
My wife said I should stop using Facebook and take her to shopping, or else she'll hit my head on keyboard, but haha who caresbggsshhdggdhbgshhnnxggsgsbbie...
I thought Hurricane Harvey was the miss Universe thing
I wish Living Social had deals on health insurance
you know who never goes to music festivals?..Bands who sell a lot of tickets.
I never knew Charlie Sheen drank, until I saw him sober once.
You know how if you lay wrong you put your arm to sleep? Your story just did that to my whole body.
Hands up if your down to get down tonight!!
Ladies, how will we know you're going through a tough breakup if you're not clutching your coffee mug with both hands?
No smartphones for my kids. They need to suffer from years of fleeting, awkward eye contact with strangers like I did.
This b itch that started the whole "You can't hurry love" bullsh-it obviously gave terrible blow jobs.
A broken spirit doesn't stay broken forever. When it's whole again, God have mercy on my tormenters, because I won't.
Most important thing I learned today: My Talk to kids/Nice voice sounds INCREDIBLY HOMOSEXUAL
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
Ladies: Invest in men's weakness. Buy sexy lingerie.
My stalker has never sent me a nude pic of herself, I don't think she is taking this relationship serious.
My life advice to kids: In the end Blossom grew up to be Sheldon Cooper's girlfriend,,,, that's all you need to know.
There is a button on my oven that says 'stop time'. I am pretty sure it means 'stop timER' but I don't push it just in case.
What if Pitbull hasn't really slept with all those girls and he is just bragging?
I want a person to come into my life by accident, but stays on purpose. 