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All you damn people inviting me to Castleville get on Battlefield 3 so I can knife you!! 
That scene in Boogie Nights when Julianne Moore says "C*m on my t!ts, if you can, OK?" epitomizes what the holidays are like with my family.
Admit it, you love them so you Facebook stalk them. You over think your status updates in case they read them & you look @ all their photos several times a day.
Angelina Jolie is so malnourished, that Madonna is going to adopt her.
hanging out with Waldo.......Try to find me!
if your gonna have a hairy chest at least shave a Superman 'S' in it
You can't judge a book by it's cover...but you can judge milk by it's smell.
Sit on my face, I'm Irish!
I want to join Herbal Magic...because according to the commercial once you join you can share your ideas with upper management.
I've signed up to be a ghostwriter when I die
Tigers knee seem okay today only because he's leading.
Sorry, I can't hangout. My uncle's cousin's sister in law's best friend's insurance agent's roommate's fish drowned...It was tragic.
Went horseback riding today..Wind blowing my hair, it was a pretty good ride!! Until I ran out of quarters n the Walmart greeter kicked me out
If werewolves lived on the moon, would they be werewolves 24/7
OK, it's been three days since I drank those 5 cups of vinegar and ate those dye tables, and I have yet to lay a beautifully colored egg. What gives?
gas costs more than milk, I found out today that my car is lactose intolerant.
Congress to release new economic recovery plan: Vegas, Baby!!!
Wait, I'm still looking for a duck to give ('-' ) (._. ) ( ._. ) ( '-' ) ( ._.) ( '-') ... Damn, looks like I can't find it ¯\(ツ)/¯
You should never care what other people think of you. Unless you're a dude who wears sandals.
Zumba will fade away just like Jazzercise and all the others. 