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I'm so glad I was never a cavewoman, I'd have no idea where to hunt for sandwiches. 
Free the Glutens! They have never had a country of their own!
[parents visiting] MY DAD: Looks like you got about an inch of rain. *cut to my dad looking at my bong I left on the patio table* ME: Yep.
either my mirror is WAY OFF, or I really do look like EVERY "before" picture ever.
It's been a exhausting day pretending that I worked so hard.
If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck WHAT IS IT DOING HERE I'M TRYING TO SLEEP
Should we be surprised? Strange smelling smoke has been coming out of VW Kombi vans for years.
You sound like someone I'd drown in a toilet.
Why I love Asia: I wanted a hooker. Called service. Said I didn't know what I wanted. They sent a van with 10 girls and let me choose.
There are too many functionally illiterate people in the world.
I'm a pretty funny guy I'm told, But I went on a date with a woman the other night, she did NOT like by Bill Cosby Impersonation .
If you ask for plastic grocery bags in Whole Foods, they put one over your head & suffocate you with it.
Dear Young Girls, Never ever never ever take pills from anyone and not expect you may get wasted and get taken advantage of....... Just a little advice I learned on the Cosby Show!
Never break a person's heart. They one have one. Break their bones instead. They have 206 of those.
My band is so indie we don't even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
I thought riots are to soccer what crashes are to NASCAR: something that breaks up the boredom.
Find someone who makes you happy and murder them before they ruin your life.
It's so cute how you have a safe word like you think I can hear you through the duct tape.
One thing that people may not know about me is that I'm very passionate about not getting beaten to death with fireplace tools.
I'm so old,,, my driver's license is valid for covered wagons. 