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Can you give me the opposite of these words quickly: Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down 
The day the progressive lady makes out with the Wendy's girl is the day I become a loyal customer to both.
How come boogers come out so easy, and they are SO hard to get off your finger?
You just don't know what awkward is until you call out your wife's name while having sex with her sister.
Ice bucket challenge: als foundation admits less than 27% of donations fund research and cures
Curling irons come with a warning label saying "For external use only." OK, now which of you sick women made that necessary?
If you're afraid of the Dentist, it's probably because you don't go to the Dentist...
And The Bro saith unto them, Follow me to the club, and I will make you fishers of women. Bromans 4:19
never make eye-contact with anyone while eating a banana
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
(̅_̅_̅(̲̲̲̲̲̅̅̅̅̅̅(̅_̅_̲̅м̲̅a̲̅я̲̅l̲̅b̲̅o̲̅r̲̅o̲̅̅ _̅_̅_̅() ڪے one of my weaknesses.
80's rock group Starship shocked after hearing the President's speech to find that they didn't build that city on rock and roll, someone else did.
Women are designed for two things: making babies and making sandwiches, and they need help with the first one.
Menstruation, menopause, mental breakdowns... Ever notice how most womens problems begin with men???
Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's piano? Neither has he.
I like my women like I like my dogs. Obedient, loyal, and always licking ...
I was religious.... right up until about the age of reason.
Arguing on Facebook is like running in the special Olympic, even if you win you are still retarded
The Obamacare website doesn't work, just like most of the people who voted for Obama.
The Definition Of Toilets: The one and only thing Obama is qualified to do, is clean toilets. . . 