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True story: I saw 2 fat guys get in a shoving fight at the donut shop this morning.... Also true: I kept yelling "use your diabetes on him!!" 
The difference between a d*ck and a pen*s is a d*ck pops his collar.
Women are 60% water, 20% makeup, 10% clothing, 8% shoes, and 1% hairspray. That leaves 1%, yet they demand 100% of men's attention.
Theee pppostt oofficee ssentt yyourr Vvvibratttorr hheree bby aaaccidenttt. Hhhoww dddo yyyouu sssshuttt ttthisss fffugginnn ttthinggg offffff?!
I don't care if people talk behind my back. It puts them in a better position to kiss my azz.
"I have your test results," said the doctor. "There's no easy way to tell you this; you are cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs."
Babies are ridiculous. Somebody brought one to my grandpa's funeral and it wouldn't stop crying. But it didn't even know him for that long.
Wearing a T-Shirt with "Let's talk about God" on it always guarantees me a seat to myself on the train.
Why do midgets laugh when they run? The grass tickles their balls.
Alcoholism is a disease. That's why I feel entitled to use the handicap parking spaces when I'm drunk.
There will never be true equality until men have to wear jockey shorts with underwires that lift and separate.
why are we so mean to Mexico they give us drugs?
Prius = douchebags gone wild
Can I still call it mimosa if its in a flask?
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat
I am scared... Someday I might just catch flames automatically... Being so hot an all... ;)
I swear girls can be so ungrateful sometimes, I made her breakfast in bed, and instead of saying "Thank you", she's all like... "How the hell did you get into my house?!?!"
We live in a dark age. An age where it's not okay to commit murder but it's okay for fat girls to wear leggings.
I have a stable job but women leave right after I tell them how hard it is dealing with horses
the more guys I meet, the more I love my dog :) 