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It's better to be a Yankee than a Limie bastid 
Calm down white girl, you don't possess the proper rhythm to be twerking.
"What about this? What about this? And this?"--me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Argon and Neon walked into a bar and ordered drinks. The bartender said, "I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here." They didn't react.
COP: can you describe the man that attacked you?..... TEACHER: I don't know, CAN I describe him?...... COP: *heavy sigh* MAY you describe him
Winter is coming. Women about to steal your heart and your hoodie.
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been 35 years since my last confession, and I only ended up here because I thought it was the bathroom...Amen
*wakes up to wife and son screaming* me: What are you guys yelling about? them: YOU'RE DRIVING
True story: I saw 2 fat guys get in a shoving fight at the donut shop this morning.... Also true: I kept yelling "use your diabetes on him!!"
The difference between a d*ck and a pen*s is a d*ck pops his collar.
Women are 60% water, 20% makeup, 10% clothing, 8% shoes, and 1% hairspray. That leaves 1%, yet they demand 100% of men's attention.
Theee pppostt oofficee ssentt yyourr Vvvibratttorr hheree bby aaaccidenttt. Hhhoww dddo yyyouu sssshuttt ttthisss fffugginnn ttthinggg offffff?!
I don't care if people talk behind my back. It puts them in a better position to kiss my azz.
"I have your test results," said the doctor. "There's no easy way to tell you this; you are cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs."
Babies are ridiculous. Somebody brought one to my grandpa's funeral and it wouldn't stop crying. But it didn't even know him for that long.
Wearing a T-Shirt with "Let's talk about God" on it always guarantees me a seat to myself on the train.
Why do midgets laugh when they run? The grass tickles their balls.
Alcoholism is a disease. That's why I feel entitled to use the handicap parking spaces when I'm drunk.
There will never be true equality until men have to wear jockey shorts with underwires that lift and separate.
why are we so mean to Mexico they give us drugs? 