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My daughter told her mother that a kid in class showed her his peck*r. My wife flipped. My daughter said it reminded her of a peanut, so my wife asked her if it was small. My daughter said, "No, salty." 
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 42,337 times and you are President Obama.
To some people iPhones are like a religion. They don't know how it works, but it gives them something to cling to, so their life has meaning.
Some families argue over pizza toppings. We argue over who's gunna keester a balloon of dope for my Aunt when we visit her in Jail tomorrow.
I wonder what it feels like to be one of those pretty girls that all of the guys want.
A funny thing would be to dress up as a vampire, go to a blood bank, and ask when happy hour starts.
Why did they introduce women into the police force? To keep the streets clean
Silence is golden. If you do not agree with something that I post on my page, I would advise you to keep your opinion to yourself than try and confront me on my own turf otherwise I will embarrass you.
We must love and respect one another. Except people who decorate Christmas trees with blue lights. They should be waterboarded.
Call me old fashioned, but doesn't it seem like people today try marriage on for size? I mean.. your not in a Wallmart dressing room!!
I never considered myself to be a violent person, but every day I kill time.
I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.
Seriously...Beyonce gave birth by C-section? With those hips, that would be the equivalent of Moses pulling the plug to cross the Red Sea!
FREEBIRD! (When you purchase a bird of equal or lesser value.)
My marriage is very successful because my spouse has not left me yet...
Shouldn't we really wait to hear from Adele's ex boyfriend before we take sides?..
Party ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ at my __̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡......
Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition..
Camping is a great way to show people that you hate your own home but can't afford a decent hotel.
I've definitely got an LOL addiction. I can't stop texting, typing, even saying it sometimes...I need help. LOL 