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We must love and respect one another. Except people who decorate Christmas trees with blue lights. They should be waterboarded. 
Call me old fashioned, but doesn't it seem like people today try marriage on for size? I mean.. your not in a Wallmart dressing room!!
I never considered myself to be a violent person, but every day I kill time.
I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.
Seriously...Beyonce gave birth by C-section? With those hips, that would be the equivalent of Moses pulling the plug to cross the Red Sea!
FREEBIRD! (When you purchase a bird of equal or lesser value.)
My marriage is very successful because my spouse has not left me yet...
Shouldn't we really wait to hear from Adele's ex boyfriend before we take sides?..
Party ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ at my __̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡......
Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition..
Camping is a great way to show people that you hate your own home but can't afford a decent hotel.
I've definitely got an LOL addiction. I can't stop texting, typing, even saying it sometimes...I need help. LOL
I was violently beating this guy with a club when I realized, "I can find a better weapon than this stupid poker card"
I just misspelled a word so badly,, that autocorrect shut my phone off and gave me explosive diarrhea.
Apparently, the answer to WWJD is ……hire Peyton Manning.
My girlfriend is leaving me because I'm obsessed with nike.. I looked her dead in the eyes and said "just do it"
If you watch Titanic backwards it's about a magical ship that saves people
richardmooney26 is George Zimmerman hiding... nowhere to go.. sh*t to do...
some girls beg, and some girls borrow. some bring joy some bring sorrow. but the best girls suck and swallow
9 out of 10 men prefer women, and that other guy, well he prefers one of those 9 men. 