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You changed your profile picture and I changed my mind. 
what if I am a high ranking illuminatii and dont even know it
After spending years trying to find a good therapist, I can now recommend a great one. His name is Captain Morgan.
As a man I am so thankful I don't have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
no really what are reindeer games ?
Can't figure out if my Granddad is defusing a bomb or trying to answer his cell phone. It's tense!.. "The green one Gampy,, not the Red one!"
If old french fries were weapons,,, I would be able to kill anyone trying to carjack me
Nobody plans on being the weird kid. It just happens.
Oh, thats a picture of you when you were "younger"? ALL photos of you were when you were younger. Unless you have a time machine. Which you don't.
Kim Jong Un unanimously won an election which had a 99% voter turn out. In other news, North Korea's economic report is out and shows a 1% increase in dog food production..
Listen Nyquil instructions,,, YOU are not the boss of me.
Women keep making fun of my fanny pack but they feel dumb when they discover I have cupcakes there.
Bail me out of jail, so I know it's real
On a scale of one to forgets to breathe, how stupid are you?
Chocolate, candy and flowers def got her in the mood until she asked me where I got the pretty roses from.. I guess the Cemetery after work was not a good answer \ :O /
My worst fear is meeting my match.
We have great chemistry and amazing physics.
I woke up and I couldn't walk at 1st so I thought I had really bad cramps but then I realized I was just Lebroning!
Thinking burns calories. This is why so many of us are fat.
For those of you who consider yourselves to be workaholics, I feel for you. I, too, know what it is like as I struggled for many years while hopelessly addicted to workahol. 