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I hate it when they put the tacos in my bag upside down :-( 
That uneasy moment when you look in the mirror while crying and you just start crying more.
You need a best friend you can have sex with.
Instead of a tatoo, just get a KISS t-shirt and wear it every day until you die.
This Halloween I'm going as a Jehovah's Witness. I'm going to be handing out some good news.
Whenever I'm sad, I remember that my cats most likely think I’m out hunting for them all day, and then I feel like a badass again
*watching news report of zombie apocalypse* Me: This is great. No work today!
Why doesn't money have braille on it?
You changed your profile picture and I changed my mind.
what if I am a high ranking illuminatii and dont even know it
After spending years trying to find a good therapist, I can now recommend a great one. His name is Captain Morgan.
As a man I am so thankful I don't have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
no really what are reindeer games ?
Can't figure out if my Granddad is defusing a bomb or trying to answer his cell phone. It's tense!.. "The green one Gampy,, not the Red one!"
If old french fries were weapons,,, I would be able to kill anyone trying to carjack me
Nobody plans on being the weird kid. It just happens.
Oh, thats a picture of you when you were "younger"? ALL photos of you were when you were younger. Unless you have a time machine. Which you don't.
Kim Jong Un unanimously won an election which had a 99% voter turn out. In other news, North Korea's economic report is out and shows a 1% increase in dog food production..
Listen Nyquil instructions,,, YOU are not the boss of me.
Women keep making fun of my fanny pack but they feel dumb when they discover I have cupcakes there. 