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*accidentally answers phone call* *pretends to be answering machine* 
tonight the sky will be like most of my family.....pretty well lit up
If my girlfriend really loved me she would be Megan Fox.
Old people sure have a way of making eating look sad.
if people around you are being negative, be extra positive & cancel them out
If there's no chance it can give me a heart attack then I'm not interested in eating it.
I channel my white side when I'm approached by the cops..
What's a bae and can I deep fry it and dip it in cheese?
You may not love me now, but vodka.
saw my ex with her new boyfriend today, he has arms and legs just like I do, she seriously needs to move on. jeeez. he even has eyes.
Autocorrect changes "kiss" to "kids" like its trying to remind me how I got in this mess in the first place.
If you watch a V iagra commercial on mute it looks like a really risky drug that helps you cuddle better.
Replacing "Sent from my iPhone" with "sent from my “telepathic mind reading Auto-reply app”
life's hard, get a helmet!
If I ever go blind, I'll wear two eyepatches, so people will just assume I am a double pirate.
Look lady, if you don't want me staring at your ass in public, let's go back to my place.
Looking for Ivan Drago at the closing ceremony.
There are some women who simply refuse to be women.
I think the Oscars would be a lot more interesting if they had a "Best Nip Slip" category... or "Best Back Burger."
I am not down with OPP but I'm definitely down with the sickness 