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If you don't like wearing a face mask the next time you go in for surgery don't forget to tell your surgeon to take off their mask as it won't protect them. 
What do an illegal alien and a cue ball have in common? The harder you hit them, the more English you get out of them.
A nal – Because some women understand a week is too long for a man to wait.
I'm happiest when I'm asleep. It's my little temporary death.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is "down for the count." I don't care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who's winning.
I took my sister to a NASCAR rase and all I got was this lousy son/nephew.
I Shout out to all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half naked to get a mans attention.. Stay classy!!
If a woman offers to buy you a drink, stay calm and enjoy. This is a rare magical species of female named Coolus Chickitus. A gift from the Universe.
If you gotta look thru someone's phone, you shouldn't be with 'em. Quit being insecure, that sh*t is unattractive.
Life is a waste of time, Time is a waste of life. So, get wasted all the time and have the time of ur life ;)
Life is short...Break the rules, forgive, love, laugh, and never regret anything that made you smile!
Dad...I forgot to brush my teeth before school. That's okay...here's a piece of gum:)
It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up...
tired of having 6 toes and watching purple clouds fish for dolphins...but this lsd is good
walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64k,128k,256k,512k and 1mb. That was a trip down memory lane
What would happen if Superman consumed 10 Lbs of laxative?
I used to love, respect and cherish every moment we spent together and then something happened...oh yeah, I built a bridge and got over it!
I am my own worst enemy, and the enemy has gas weaponry.
hasn't slept for ten days.........................................because that would be too long.
remembers when "google" was a word used to describe the eyes on pom-pom critters back in grade school! 