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"And when there was only one set of footprints, that was when I was off hiring a more talented quarterback to replace you" - God to Tebow 
I really enjoy running geese over in my car. It gives me goose bumps!
how do you make 5 lbs of fat look good? Put a nipple on it!
me without you is like- pepsi without cans, pedophiles without vans, Jersey Shore without tans.
I have a ton of children's book ideas. Has anyone ever done an uplifting tale about a kitten on the Titanic?
The Mars rover captured Ted Cruz as its first image on Mars.
"Oh wow, it's a fruit cake! I'm going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
A 70-year-old man who watches TV for eight hours a day, plays lots of golf, and always seems to be in Florida is a retiree, not a President.
Awesome how America is called the Land of the free yet is built on the anhilation of American Indians and the enslavement of African and Indian people. Dimwits who dont know their own history.
Pick a number, double it, add 10, divide it by 2, then minus it by the number you started with. LIKE if you got 5
What a tortured soul... He never really figured out what Willis was talking about....
Wow, I just heard Lady GaGa has hired people to find the remains of Bin Laden, she needs somthing to wear in her next video
got thrown out of a casino last night... apparently I completely misunderstood the crap table!
There's been a Boeing 777 in my backyard since March 8th, anybody missing an airplane?
multiculturalization?? more like Islamization.
Big Shout-out !!!,,, to Whitney Houston as she celebrates one year of sobriety today
It's funny how guys are always looking for a Barbie, when most of them aren't Kens themselves.
I really hate being Bi-Polar. It's fantastic! ):)
May God have mercy on my new vibrator. 