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To the world you may be one person but to me you are an ass-hole. 
There's nothing to fear but fear itself. And single men who own cats!
Relationships are all about finding someone that hates your parents as much as you do.
If you don't hump Christina Ricci today, then you're doing Wednesday wrong.
This bourbon needs more cocaine
Getting married has nothing to do with the wedding.
Where is a factory that makes bath salts? Someone should start it on fire and kick start the zombie apocalypse.
I would love to agree with you, but there is no point in both of us being wrong.
I've learned something. The bigger the girl, the bigger the att!tude.
This show on CNN is just a remake of "The Fugitive" without Harrison Ford.
Who invented hugs? I mean..the first hug would have been soo awkward. its like"what are you doin, why are you holding me???" "shhh just trust me"
i think the secret of walking on water is knowing where the stones are.
It wasn’t until I tasted the chewy monkey bits through the chocolate & peanut butter,, that I realized I accidentally bought Rhesus Pieces.
Got hit by a pitch at the batting cage today so I charged the machine.
look guys, if you're 40+ and your profile picture is of your car, you're not doing life right...
If only your liver could talk... the stories it could tell. That's why I keep it liquored up, so it will stay quiet.
realize that when someone says, "The last thing I want to do is hurt you," basically implies that there is a list and hurting you is on it.
Just spent the better part of my Saturday morning yelling at this midget to get out of my yard... before finally realizing it was just a garden gnome.
Just a Friendly word of advice: Nobody want's to hear your ringtone. Unless it's "Hammertime", then let that it play loud.
You are not living right if you have never been slapped with at least one restraining order in your life! 