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Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me a damn secrets??? 
Roses are red, violets are fine, I'll be the six if you be the nine
Just once on Cops, Id like to see a shirtless criminal try to skip away from the cops instead of running
How long do you have to wear a soul patch before your cravings for souls goes away completely?
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of winshield washer fluid...please do not sit on the hood of a mans car...
Maybe you should eat makeup so you can be pretty on the inside, bi**ch!
I just saw what looked like a menstruating raccoon "Planking" while a crow scratched her back,,,, How cute!! I should take a picture..
Did anyone ever tell those kids how to get to sesame street?
Can you imagine what the Clapper would have acted like in the Three Stooges House... a strobe light?
I didn't win the lotto. So I guess I have to return the Lamborghini
A few of you are upset with me for not removing my facial hair. Not sure why because your not the ones kissing me on the lips. But I am willing to make a compromise. So I will be removing some hair on my right a$$ cheek just in case.
My imaginary boyfriend just cheated on me
Just held up an Etsy store. Made off with 37 woven hemp bracelets, a crappy candle and $1.54 in cash.
Don't you worry your pretty stripped head we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And they we're gonna find our bestfriend Doug and then we're gonna give him a bestfriend hug.
it just her or did anyone else thing we would be living like the Jetsons in 2010?!
There will be no Groundhog Day. I have Punxsutawney Phil in my sights, and I am slowly squeezing the trigger...
Hey look! I am invisible!
I was asked if i'd volunteer for Comic Relief at work. All i'd have to do is wear funny clothes,answer the phone,write a few notes,chat and joke with others and eat junk food. Of course I said "Yes". Who wouldnt want to be like their boss for just one day
Life is like a kernel of corn. You'll go through some $hit, only to come out clean in the end.
The winner of the rat race is still a rat. 