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Sorry dude. My girlfriend and I had a meeting and we've decided I don't want to hang out with you anymore. 
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
It takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen.
Respect must be earned by a sitting President these days.....
men go to the bars to get laid and women go there to tease
Some dare devils pull crazy stunts by flipping cars... I just did the ultimate stunt and flipped my mattress! I have a few cuts and brushes, but I'll be OK!
I Think Someone From Eastenders Should Go And Kill Someone From Coronation Street.....What A Plot
I Don't know how to have a good marriage. But I do know how to have a bad one. so I just wont do those things.
I don't have regrets, I have times I was "just bein' Miley."
I hope my CEO doesn't come here as the Undercover Boss cause I'd be like, "Ahh, don't worry about that mess. It'll be there tomorrow... BREAK TIME!"
FIELD REPORT: "You gonna let me sniff that whisker biscuit or what?" is an extraordinarily unsuccessful pickup line.
My wife is always walking into things and getting hurt. Yesterday it was our bedroom while I was shagging her sister.
So I met this prostitute who said she'd do anything for $20. Guess who got their homework done. ;)
Never fall asleep around potheads...I woke up and had a forehead drawn on my peter...
Very excited for tonight's super moon, but I'm not looking forward to hearing the Mexican-werewolves............
How I think I sound when I sing: ♪┗ (･o･ ) ┓ \( ﾟヮﾟ)/ ♪┏(･o･)┛♪ How I actually sound when I sing: (╬ ಠ益ಠ) щ(ﾟДﾟщ) ヽ(ｏ`皿′ｏ)
when vehicles start running on water, the world would be at Peace...
"Face tatoo in college" was put up yesterday. 04-17-2012 21:03, maybe check beforehand? lolz /smh
Wanna know the difference between a red head and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist 