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Some people tell me they think I may have Tourettes. I've got know idea BALLSACK what they're talking about. 
At the Royal Wedding Reception. The Queen is blitzed on Mai Tais and keeps screaming for the DJ to "crank the Foghat."
I shall be the first person ever to step foot on the sun. Now, I know exactly what's going through your mind, but I got it all figured out - I'm going at night
Yes your girlfriend is beautiful and I totally dig that you guys just met, BUT, He is my neighbor and works in a drag club.
I ate half a dozen cans of beans today all for nothing. Was I ever embarrased when I found out it's "Fat Tuesday" and not "Fart Tuesday"
She was like the apple God warned Adam and Eve about
Thank you Google homepage image, for reminding me to bust out my Bunsen burner and heat, sterilize or combust something in tribute of Robert Bunsen's 200th b day. Where would laboratories abroad be without you, burner of Bunseness...
never lied to you much when it really mattered.
Everyone has that one friend you can't bring anywhere cuz they always embarrass you, If you can't think of anyone, it's you.
You KNOW the economy is bad when the dancers at this strip club are walking around with change belts. I guess it's time to make it HAIL on these b!tches!!
The word of the day is..... SupercalifragilisticexpialiDOUCHBAG.
Whenever a girl refers to me as "candy ass" I demand that she prove her theory by actually taste testing the product she is reviewing.
My family's in the Iron and Steel buisness. My mother irons and my father steals.
You put the ID in stupid.
copying status's from many pages ago and re posting them in the hope people aint seen them before, in attempt to make myself look funny.
Okay, I'll stop. But shouldn't I listen first, THEN collaborate?
Lebron needs to start asking himself WWJD ( what would Jordan Do?)
If they lined up all of your girlfriends it would look like the cast of planet of the apes
Of course someone else packed my bags for me. What am I a peasant?
someone ended a tweet to me with "STFU." I've no doubt they were referring to St. Fu the patron saint of long mustaches. 