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Doing nothing all day feels great, realizing you did nothing all day, not so great. 
It's not technically a hip hop show unless at some point, 9 seemingly random guys are invited on stage to waves their hands for no reason.
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? I pulled up next to this chick in the car putting on mascara and it just didnt look right with those yellow teeth!
Ladies: you know your eyebrows are bad when you go to a funeral looking real happy.
Some people are like fast food…they never look as good in real life as they do on TV.
My dad still has the mind of a scientist. In a jar on the mantelpiece in his basement, right under the moose head.
"dude, he just called you a girl" "oh hell no! hold my purse."
I don’t have one junk drawer anymore. I’m 46, I have a junk life.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Don't be an anti-semite, be a yo-semite.
Hostess Cakes merged with McKee Foods, and now everybody wants a bite of Little Debbie's twinkie.
This is embarrassing but I just noticed that I've been wearing "2010" New Year's Eve glasses for the past decade
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs: 1. Colonialists 2. Sisters
Feel bad for all the kids who probably won't be trick-or-treating this year, but just think of all the candy they'll be for 50% off the day after!
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
The only reason she hasn’t killed me yet, is because she knows she’ll cry and miss me.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours. 