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Happy Ugly Father's day tie, day! 
Precision. Concentration. Patience. Fearlessness. Four skills I possess while shaving my nuts that I wish I could apply to other aspects of my life.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest thing I'll ever get to being a damn magician.
I'm not into bestiality but sometimes I want to have sex with Sarah Jessica Parker.
It's been a while,,,,, Has Bono EVER found,,,, What he's looking for?
A homeless man is just a hardcore camper.
You just don't just come into someones life, make them care and then just leave.
Camel Toe Contest..... My place...
Some of life's best lessons are learned while watching your drunk friends.
Tonight's weather: TROPICAL DEPRESSION FROM MIAMI HEADING TO CLEVELAND....
I won't protect you, but I will lay in bed next to you telling you what I think is making those freaky noises.
"You must behave yourself when you are in the presence of a lady" - me talking to my d!ck
A fun game to play is "hide-and-don't-answer-texts."
I just love waking up in the middle of the night, to find I still have hours to sleep before I have to be at work!!!
I dreamed about you slowly unzipping my pants, but I know that's just a fantasy. Because I'm not wearing pants.
Lucky my wife loves me and accepts me even with my super small "package". Unrelated, I wonder why that UPS truck is always at my house lately?
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. I forgot it only takes like 30 seconds to pee.
Porn has ruined my life. My toilet is blocked and I'm too scared to call the plumber :(
Pick a number between 6 and 6 that represents the number of doughnuts I have had today.
If you're doing it right there's no need for lube. 