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I just never wanna get "make my own belt holes" fat. 
If buying cereal for the coveted toy inside is wrong , I don't want to be right .
surprised my wife with a beautiful necklace and dinner last night...well actually, the candy necklace was her dinner...but hey, its the thought that counts
Fighting fire with fire only gives you ashes.
I may not open a lot of doors for women, but I do kill a lot of dragons for them.
Fun Fact: the seven letters of "rainbow" stand for the different colors! Red, arange, iellow, neen, blue, ondigo, and wiolet. I'm drunk.
We live in a culture where we are surrounded by smart phones and stupid people.
Executioners are always dressed to kill.
A recent government survey reports that people are more cynical these days than any time in history. Like I'm really supposed to believe that…
Got fired from my job as a bingo caller... apparently "A meal for two with a terrible view" was a pathetic way to announce the number 69.
I don't know why cops bother asking me questions I've never had one believe me.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
I was gonna comment something funny on Snooki's pregnancy...but sooo not worth it...
You stopped serving breakfast at 10:30!?! Seriously? Who gets here by 10:30? What am I, a fn farmer?
S.I.N.G.L.E = Sometimes It's Not Good to Love Everybody
Dudes who wear skinny jeans, you took the phrase "I got in her pants" the wrong way...
Considering how wonderfully the day is going, I think I'm down to plan Q today.
Makeup? Nowadays, it's more like cake-up.
When you can do the common things in life in a uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
Do you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes." and a guy's " I'll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same 