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The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn't getting enough sleep Happy Mother's Day 
My husband's birthday is in a few days and as a gift to him I am taking the date rape drug.
Ellen DeGeneres would make an amazing Crocodile Dundee.
Roach joints. Because yeah... I recycle! :)
Help your local police, beat yourself-up.
I have a slight cold, so let me know if you need my address to send sympathy cards.
People who over exaggerate literally make me want to shoot myself in the face 287 billion times.
I just never wanna get "make my own belt holes" fat.
If buying cereal for the coveted toy inside is wrong , I don't want to be right .
surprised my wife with a beautiful necklace and dinner last night...well actually, the candy necklace was her dinner...but hey, its the thought that counts
Fighting fire with fire only gives you ashes.
I may not open a lot of doors for women, but I do kill a lot of dragons for them.
Fun Fact: the seven letters of "rainbow" stand for the different colors! Red, arange, iellow, neen, blue, ondigo, and wiolet. I'm drunk.
We live in a culture where we are surrounded by smart phones and stupid people.
Executioners are always dressed to kill.
A recent government survey reports that people are more cynical these days than any time in history. Like I'm really supposed to believe that…
Got fired from my job as a bingo caller... apparently "A meal for two with a terrible view" was a pathetic way to announce the number 69.
I don't know why cops bother asking me questions I've never had one believe me.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
I was gonna comment something funny on Snooki's pregnancy...but sooo not worth it... 