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Wine improves with age. The older I get, the more I like it. 
When I'm on the phone I move my arms around when I'm giving directions even if the person can't see me.
I went to an Alcoholics Anonymous class today and introduced myself to 12 other people. When I walked out I was no longer anonymous but was still an alcoholic?
That annoying moment when your juice box refuses to lose it's virginity
MATH = Mental Abuse To Humans
I'm ok with house hunting as long as it's done humanely and you eat all the houses you kill.
What a night! Got drunk with some friends; broke into the zoo; had a very realistic dream about having sex with a midget nun; woke up with a penguin in my bed. EPIC!
Fool me once, shame on my personal fool-stopper, Reginald.
Pain makes you stronger. Fear makes you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser and Beer makes you look better..
Well that was a bit disappointing. That Insta-gram wasn't what I thought it was going to be!
There needs to be a class on how to take a mirror photo without looking at your phone, because apparently it's an issue for a lot of you.
NEWS FLASH: The Bush's baked beans dog finally speaks out, says dogs actually hate Sarah McLachlan.
"I'm not mad." - My wife when she's mad,,, Well,, actually EVERY woman when she's mad
Wife: My gynecologist says I can't have sex for two weeks. Husband: What did your dentist say?
When the air hostess stops smiling and sits down, then you know it's about to go down.
Ladies. Want to know if you're pretty? If a male cop has ever given you a ticket, then no, you're not.
when I grew up, no one chased their dogs to pick up their crap, we waited until it turned to white powder and disappeared
would like to thank all the micro-brewerys out there for making my alcoholism appear to be no more than a fun hobby
if Draw Something is any indication of this country's intelligence..we are in BIG trouble
Jury duty on Monday...That in itself is a joke. 