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As if the world didn't have enough Kardashian genetic material already. 
''Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger, but she havin' ma' baby. Now I ain't sayin' she a ho either, but we ain't married.''
My girlfriend gave me a lift in her car. I said I can smell something, I think you're burning oil... ...she said that can't be I haven't put any oil in it!
I should just change my name to "Han" because it looks like I'm gonna stay solo *forever alone*
Why is it called common sense? it should be called sense because it's not that common any more
"No, no no. Not you two.. I need you two to stay here and man the fort." ~ Noah to his Wooly Mammoths
Beauty is directly correlated to 3D...Darkness, Distance, and Drunkedness.
I will always be there for you if you never need me.
I’m just waiting for you to be rich and famous so I can still not like you.
Not being able to afford braces was cool, cuz now I can floss with my thumb.
Disappointed that Bruno Mars looks exactly like us for someone who comes from another planet.
Soon there will be a lot of deadbeat dads trying 2 make up for lost time by “Liking” their grown kid’s Facebook updates.
I'm so good at sleep, I can do it with my eyes closed...
When I stay at a woman's house that I want to see again I always "accidentally" lose something there like my phone, my hat, or my dignity.
Arguments started and relationships ended by a simple "Like" on Facebook.
How dare you not notice me ignoring you. - women.
If there is anything to be gained this year, I hope it's not weight.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.
I like big books and I can not lie.
I really want to get an iPad mini, so that at night when I'm alone and I'm feeling worthless, I can say to myself: "but I have an iPad!" and then I"ll feel better. 