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I gained so much Winter weight, I had to go buy a pregnancy test just to be sure 
I'm so tired of not being a multimillionaire.
Why would you buy a case for your cracked cell phone, that's like buying a condom to put on your kids head?!?!
Clinton says "How high do you have to build a wall to keep out the internet?" I don't think she understands how the internet works, which is why she got in trouble with her emails.
Pro Tip: Keep your friends close and your enemies in a ditch, because they deserve it.
If money was grown on trees,women would be dating monkeys!
I so want a restraining order on everyone who doesn't wear deodorant.
Smooth jazz version of "In bloom" playing on KCRW right now. Somewhere Kurt Cobain is killing himself all over again.
My "Stop Being Poor" shirt almost ended up in the Goodwill pile.
It's cute how any of you think you're in the tax bracket that will be affected.
If I ever use "there" instead of "their" and "your" instead of "you're" in the same joke here, I've been kidnapped and am signalling for help....
I played an April Fool's joke on my landlord by not paying rent....I am wondering if this eviction notice is the real deal.
My plus-one for all weddings is the bartender at your wedding.
Coworkers, let me know if you'd like to join me for lunch at my desk eating discounted Easter chocolate.
What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Except for unicorns, unicorns can kill you.
It turns out that using bowel grease is messier than using elbow grease. Damn dyslexia.
Sorry you're an athiest and have no one to thank it's Friday.
It’s prom time. One year, I had to take my cousin to the prom. I don’t know who was more embarrassed — him or me.
My wife said she bought the lingerie from Victoria Secrets for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I don't get women.
Tax day is just a few days away so get out there and check those dumpster and trash cans for receipts. 