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No man will ever look as deeply into my eyes like the surgeon at Lasik. 
Congratulations on your internet fame! Now table six could really use some more coffee.
You know the part of your bumhole that supposedly tells you if it's just a fart, or it's actually crap?... Yah, My dad needs a new one of those
My girl an I play this game called "hide the alcohol from the alcoholic".. right now she's losing
In Oregon a Labradoodle was unharmed after falling off a 200 ft cliff. Some suspect that he actually jumped because of the name "Labradoodle".
When I got the decorations out of the attic yesterday REAL spiders started coming out of the containers.... Well played Halloween, well played.
I do what the voices in my pants tell me to do
Cowards - kissassers - are not on the side of truth; they're on the side of money.
Biden's son booted off navy for positive cocaine test. Now he will run for office and win and deztroy sovereignty of nationz
I hate when people ask questions during movies like do you not understand that a movie purposely doesn’t tell you things in order to build suspense
It's unhealthy the amount of pressure society put on adults having to behave.
Do you know how I recognize a peasant?! They stare deeply into someone's eyes without knowing that they're not comfortable.
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That's what going back to an ex is like.
Here's an idea for a costume. And your friends will never expect it. Try looking and behaving like a responsible person.
If your parents never once forgot to pick you up from school then our friendship is probably never gonna go past acquaintance level
Pro Tip: You can't fix stupid with duct tape, but at least you can keep it quiet for a while.
Look on the bright side Redskin fans...Anything is possible and maybe the Rams will trade three 1st round picks back for RGIII. ;)
These days HD is so good, when you watch an NFL game you can see the murder evidence.
Men that wear jean jacket's are making a statement... They're stating that they've lost hope of getting laid any time soon
So today I said to a co-worker "Happy Presidents Day!" She replied did you wear anything Presidential today Gary ? Then this came out of my mouth ..." Yep ...my underwear... There's a star in the front and a stripe in the back !" 