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You sound happily in a relationship. UNFRIEND...BLOCK...UNFOLLOWED. 
No, the tear drop tattoo doesn't mean I killed someone. I just like people to know that I'm sad when I'm sober.
The three basic rules to plumbing: 1. Hot goes on the left. 2. Cold goes on the right. 3. $h!t won't flow uphill.
That moment when the woman you're dancing behind suddenly bends over so you can grind it, then you realise she just lost an earring... and no one else in Starbucks can hear your iPod.
My pet rock didn't wake up this this morning....gonna have to bury it.
"Figuratively ain't no sunshine but the actual sun continues to warm Earth when she's gooone" -Bill Withers, concerned about starting panic
the nfl: knock a woman out - suspended 2 games... drink beer - suspended 4 games...
I am currently taking the cold beer challenge.
When someone you hate gets shot: Omg is the bullet ok?
When all else fails, go nude.
Have you ever seen that show River Monsters? I just renamed it “1,000 reasons I'm NOT getting off the boat
Dating site for overweight people: All you can meet.
75% of women who smoke swallow. . .
Was at the vet's office with Sammy, heard a lady in the waiting room sneezing, she then tells the receptionist that she thinks there was a cat in here. I saw the lights dim a little.
I bet it was hard for Andre the Giant's little brother, Wayne the Somewhat Beefy in the Legs but Still Generally Average Sized Person.
If my walls could talk, they'd probably say "stop running into me you idiot"
I don’t like morning people or mornings or people
If they're the champions why will they keep on fightin' 'til the end? They've been named champions. Was it just the conference championship?
"Yes your child is cute, but can he take a 'Whoopin'?" -Adrian Peterson
I have bad luck with women. I could date a paraplegics, and she will still get up and leave me. 