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Parrot kept me up til three in the morning. He had a case of the hiccups. Finally figured out he was just imitating my hiccups from earlier. 
911 What's your emergency?.. "I JUST FARTED ON A FIRST DATE"... Sir, we don't... "BUT IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION"
Why are we not using science to combine animals? Don’t you want a Mouselion friend chillin in your shirt pocket doing tiny adorable roars?
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Some of these people I wish would do their ALS Ice Bucket Challenge with a bucket that is a solid block of ice.
I wonder who the first person to see a pig lying in it's own poo and say "I bet that is the tastiest animal on the planet."
I wonder what my dog named me?
Blackl ist IP addresses that p ost useless sh*t
Hey girl, how about you dont tell me how much beer I should drink, and I wont tell you how much makeup you should wear.
Real men should never say, "hehehe", it's "hahaha" or you shut up!
Diamonds for sale....$50 million shipment just in.
Let's be Sonny & Cher....I'll get old and show everyone my a$$, and you can ski into a tree and die.
exercising their right to vote is as close as most Americans get to exercising
The Bears are the #1 team in the NFL!! Wait, sorry, I was using Electoral College logic...
People say Alcohol kills too many people. They don't realize how's my people are born because of it.
Kanye West calls Thanksgiving You're Welcome Day.
I remember yesterday like it was......................what is today's date again?
Zimmerman about to be walking out in the streets in an Iron Man suit.
people that say " I hate to break it to you" can't wait to break it to you!
I wonder if somebody ever got "Catfished" through Christian Mingle? 