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New Pick-Up Line for Guys: "Let's watch Scandal together." 
Maybe Tom Cruise isn’t gay and is just a really good actor.
If you want a woman for sex, just tell her. Don’t lead her on. It’s impolite to toy with a woman’s emotions.
My nickname for my mother was Hannibal Lecture....
A woman can be satisfied with 3 inches.. it doesn't matter if it's Visa or MasterCard.
The longest distance in the world is from Monday morning to Friday afternoon.
I was half way to work when I realized I forgot my phone charger. I had to do what most people would have done... turn back around and go get it.
Why do I get no "likes" when I mention cocaine and strippers in the same sentence?
Royal baby born weighing 8 pounds, worth billions of them!
Getting lots of admiring looks in my new denim short-shirts and halter top.
"Beauty without intelligence is like a masterpiece painted on a tissue paper." Yeh, compasionate wisdom lasts longer than beauty. At least you don't get on people's nerve with your childish behaviour.
f your ex texts you, its probably because they tried to replace you, but failed.
High heels look best on a woman when the bottoms are pointing to the ceiling.
My prescription's instructions say to take 1 pill "by mouth." This begs the questions: Is there, in fact, a version of this I can take "by butt?" And if so, why the hell has doc been holding out on me???
Todays date? 90210!...I'm off to the Peach Pit!
I realllllly want to pet a whale right now
a pocket full of sunshine *
when the grass looks greener on the other side, it could be that there's a septic tank over there.....
I'm so old. I remember when "flash memory" meant "ability to recall guys in raincoats showing their naughty bits." Those were simpler times for sure!
making a New Years resolution to not make a New Years resolution. 