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Hey .... I just realized that kangaroos are just little T-Rex deers ... 
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people’s phones.
♪♫ I'm just a little silhouetto of a man... Got a song? Got a song stuck in your head right now? ♪♫
Just heard a little boy call his mom "mother," as if both had already accepted the fact that he'd become a serial killer some day.
Bill Cosby shoved pudding pops up my a$$, then things got weird.
Good girls get presents at Christmas. Bad girls get presents all year long.
A sure sign that drugs fu<k you up is that Russel Brand just filed for divorce from Katy Perry...WHAT,an idiot!
WARNING: Drinking alcoholic before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Graduating college in 4 years is like leaving a party at 10:30
5 out of 6 people feel the need to tell other people their dreams, while 6 out of 6 people don't give a sh!t.
It's Friday and I have the directions to Margaritaville!!
Make the little things count. Teach midgets maths
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear...'Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep.'
You know what don't make sense!!!? Fat people with skinny arms.......
Officer: anything you say will be held against you. Me: Big T!ts!
made a "One Night Stand Kit" to give women who I have slept with ,, which includes a prepaid cellphone, toothbrush, and enough money for cab fare.
One goldfish says to the other, "If there's no God, who changes our water every week?"
You may not be familiar with the lesser known dwarf, Stabby. He was away, doing 25 to life.
Even though it will mean the loss of 1-2 inches in height, some of you should seriously consider the Ped Egg..
When I win the Mega Millions, I'm gonna spend it on cigars, booze, women & a new Harley. The rest I'll probably waste. 