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Things ain't nobody got time for: That 
It's Sunday and that only means I want Chic Fil A
Just imgine if we've all met somewhere as a reunion of years together providing funny.... thanks for the fun times guys and gals!!
What temperature does Miley boil at??
Two Franciscan priests opened a Long John Silver's franchise. One was the fish friar and the other was the chip monk.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?... Me: No Sir. I thought sure you would know.
Morning wood starts the best fire.
With the NFL starting this week, as a Redskins fan I have this feeling of impending doom.
I'm not saying I'm psychic, but I'm positive I will have no interest in what you're about to say.
Waiting 30 seconds for a Youtube Ad feels a bit too much like a long term relationship.
I get particularly worried when cows lick themselves because we are in for some serious competition if they find out how delicious they are.
Sarcasm needs its own font
BOOP! -Zebra walking past a self-service checkout.
I'd call you a p*ssy, but you don't have the depth or the warmth to live up to it.
"OK. Anyone who wants in the picture get on this side of the table." -Jesus at the Last Supper
Instead of making laws out of fear that trans women are just men trying to sexually harm women, we should convict the men that are actually harming women.
Took my dog to sign up for welfare, the clerk said sorry shes not able to....I said why she's got no job, no money, 7 kids and dont know who their dad is.
broke women should stop carrying big ass purses and bags. You don't need a bag or purse that big to carry all that money you don't have.
And its absolutely asinine that asinine isn't spelled assanine.
I only laugh halfway to the bank. That's when I remember I don't have an account. Then I cry all the way to the bar. 