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Remember as we are planing for our tomorrows, our brave soilders are giving theirs today.. Have a safe an wonderful Memorial Day weekend everyone!! 
When I woke up this morning my wife said "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer's Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
people talk about working on their "summer body" but I've been working on my winter body for years
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He's laying in the snow and I won't share the picnic table with him.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
No matter how bad your attempt at breaking into a prison, it'll work.
My friend in Quebec is a heavy drinker. In fact he drank Canada Dry
The sheep lives its whole life in fear of the wolf only to be eaten by the shepherd...
Never trust a woman born on her birthday
*My mother inlaw is so old, that she has an autograph copy of the Bible.
I don't care how old I am. If a toy says "Try Me" on it, I'm pushing those buttons...
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
The neighbor is having an open home How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Don't be afraid to cut people off-Lorena Bobbitt
“Can I get a umm...” -every person ever at the drive thru
I used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I asked the lead singer of Hall & Oates to name one of his favorite bands. He said, "KISS is on my list."
Need your help Friends.... I'm looking for sponsors to prove that money can't make me happy.....Please send generous donations so I can conduct my experiment! 