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I'd be more willing to date, if women were less willing to talk. 
beware of dog...........the cat is fvcking shady as well
I want to hold hands and waste friday nights with you while we both getting wasted.
I disagree revenge is a dish best served with arsenic.
You can be dysfunctional, retarded, ugly, promiscuous, pregnant, fat, obnoxious, sick, drunk, or high, but make sure you know the difference between 'YOUR' and 'YOU'RE' or ‘THAN' and ‘THEN'.
A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.
High School Spanish class taught me just enough to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had.
My internet was running slow today so I knocked on my neighbors' door and asked if they could place their router a bit closer to the window.
I know two wrongs don't make a right, obviously... But how many does it take? I'm like on 396.
I'm proud to announce that my wife and I are expecting a bacon.
I'm so old that I remember when # was called a number sign.
I forgot to post a picture of my lunch. So it never happened...
The closest I am to having any "Swag" is the Old Spice Swagger deodorant, sitting in my bathroom cabinet.
How dare the Heat try to sign the best free agents!!! Unlike... um... every single other team..
i am starting a go-fund-me page to gave a giraffe a c-section
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
If you are ever stuck babysitting your nieces and nephews, give them each a 5-Hour Energy drink just before returning them to Mom and Dad.
Ahhh, the sound of silence on Twitter. I thought I'd never see the day.
I went to Disneyland but I don't remember it. I think somebody slipped me a Mickey at the snack bar.
"Hermit crab" describes me twice. 