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Starbucks is now a PC corporate homeless shelter! 
My lunch is packed... thermos full of coffee, have a change of clothes, have my laptop and phone...... Headed to Starbucks for the day!! I'd bring something back for you guys but I'm broke...
All women are Bi. It’s your job to guess whether it’s sexual or polar.
. There's a book on The Cures for aches and pains by Dr. Artur Ritis
You know you're getting old when kids table now contains alcohol.
Going to Starbucks right now,anybody need anything?
Dear hefty girl Walmart shopper. It may feel like summer, but your shirt and shorts are way to small. You look like a half open can of biscuits.
Knock! Knock! Who’s there? A broken pencil. A broken pencil who? Never mind, it’s pointless.
I don't know what I ever signed up for facebook, I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
I have no problem with the Kardashians. I have a problem with the people who care about them.
I've never gotten in or out of a hammock with my dignity intact.
I like you, but not see you every damn day like you.
Not trying to brag but I haven’t been around people in days
Happy birthday J.F.K. 5/29/1917
I like to stop the microwave with one second to go. It makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
If football games begin with a kick-off, why don't hockey games begin with a puck-off?
I saw two guys wearing matching outfits. I asked if they were g@y? They arrested me.
I thought about having sex today and then I remembered that I’m married.
"Hey, Baby. Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?" "Sir, step away from the body. She fell from a balcony and this is a crime scene."
The Stanley Cup finals will feature a team that represents a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed and deceit, against the Las Vegas Golden Knights. 