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[Returning a mattress] ME: Yes, I was told this was king size, but my child is 3 feet tall and somehow takes up all of it. 
When I was a kid, the only password you had to remember was the one that got you into the treehouse.
I don't rise and shine, the best I can do is get up and gripe.
Being an adult is eating the crust not because you like it, but because you paid for it.
I work in Customer Service because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault.
Y’all ever inhale a dog's fart and think “this is it, this is how I die.”
The rich man glories in his greed; the humble man feeds hundreds and stays silent.
I spent the last night defrosting the fridge. Or, Foreplay as she calls it.
My mother in-law is so ugly, even a boiling tea kettle won't give her a whistle.
Wouldn't it be nice to have the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old, and the energy of a 5 year old.
now officially talking to myself but somehow I hear busy signals in my ears. I wonder if I can get call waiting?? Wait... Maybe its better I dont answer myself.
To MacKenzie Bezos: 'sup, girl?
Got my ancestry DNA results back. It seems I related to Adam and Eve.
Barbie sure has a lot of nice things for a woman whose knees don't bend.
Ladies, your man can’t complain about your excessive shopping habit if he has your tit in his mouth.
I have never met a baby named Gary. It’s like they just start life at 30 years old.
She blinded me with science! Well, Chemistry... Mace. It was mace.
Every time I go to Taco Bell I get diarrhea. Perhaps next time, I should get tacos.
I’ve realized that the penguin may be the only animal on earth that falls over more than I do
I don't care about the shutdown affecting the parks and monuments. But I draw the line when it effect my beer. 