Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The word 'Microsoft' makes me think of chubby midgets

   When somebody sends me a 'k' text, I assume they forgot the rest of "fuc_ you" so I make sure to correct them.

   3 things I've learned in school: Texting without looking, Sleeping without getting caught, TEAMWORK on tests

   Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on, the more it hurts.

   Wish Adam would have spent more than just a rib.....

   I love seeing the Australian news cause it's like they're from the future.

   Today I told my car it's okay for it to tell me if it's a transformer. It didn't answer. I assume it's just waiting for the right moment.

   I'd be a great sports announcer because I'm really good at pointing out obvious sh*t and having incomprehensible conversations.

   I'd be a great sports announcer because I'm really good at pointing out obvious shit and having incomprehensible conversations.

   Sometimes people are beautiful. Not in looks. Not in what they say. Just in what they are.

   To the guy who named cotton candy: Yes! It looks just like it sounds. To the guy who named Milk Duds: What the hell is wrong with you?

   I've been having this weird feeling all day, the only way I know how to describe it is: you know when you switch on a switch and nothing happens? That.

   They really need to add a “download this song illegally” button on Pandora.

   NOTICE: Helen Waite is now in charge of my complaint department. SO if you have any complaints - please go to Helen Waite.

   Definition of pointless: Jobless people on Facebook updating their status to 'thank God it's the weekend'

   When I die, I want to be cremated regardless of cost... I feel like I've urned it.

   “When it Absowutewy, Positivewy has to be thewe ovewnight." ~ FuddEx

   I bet people don't even wear capes in Cape Town.

   Had a dream last night. I knew it was a dream immediately because the therapist agreed with me, the ex apologized, and I was wearing pants.

   I don't run for fun! If you see me running past you, you better start running too because something is coming.