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I hate when my dog stares at me while I'm having sex. That's why I bang him from behind. 
Let's face it people... Slow an Steady NEVER wins the race... Whoever came up with that quote...Is a idiot!
I assume a pretend apple a day keeps the honorary doctorate types away.
Lions, Tigers, And Bears Ohhh My... God! They shot em' all!
CNN News: Android users will soon be able to unlock their phones using facial recognition. *Not available in China
Ugh stupid cold weather totally stole my idea to get a lot of attention today.
My wife is leaving me because she says I'm a compulsive liar. I think she knows about me and Beyonce...
FACT: Toilet paper is more useful than your precious college degree. At least an "a**hole" would always hire a roll for to pay off his "sh*t" not student loan debt.
The human population is due to hit 7 Billion on Halloween.
just been named most witty friend on Facebook by J.D. Power and Associates.
My roomate busted me masterbating in the shower, To play it off I said, I'll wash my d*ck as fast as I want too.
The saddest part in The Lion King 3D is that part when I can't afford a movie ticket at 27 years old.
heading to Zanesville, OH for some big game hunting.
You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...
I dont care if you are family... And we have 100 mutal friends...I still dont know who the hell you are...So dont send me a friend request!
I know my clothes are on the floor, I'm a guy, That's where I hang them.
starin at a fluorescent light Above him watchin the dust bunny fall like snow.
It's hard to make your coffee when you haven't had your coffee.
It's sucks when you roll out of bed and realize you forget to do everything you planned on doing the night before.
I would totally vote for Herman Cain but only if he introduces himself at the next debate by singing, "Here I am!! Rock you like a Herman Cain!! " 