Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   nothings more horrifying than when you do an early flush and then start to feel wetness.

   Laughter burns calories.

   I'm only as strong as the coffee I drink & the hairspray I use..

   about to give $$$ to a homeless peddler....until his I-Phone went off.

   Does anyone else find it disturbing that Jerry Sandusky has an autobiography titled "Touched"?

   I keep having this dream I'm being carried off by a giant squirrel...Does that make me nuts?

   I'm seeing this really hot chick. Yet I have no friends to tell it to. I mean, it was okay to tell my girlfriend, right? It was okay?

   And I damn sure don't wait until all the numbers on the calendar match to pray.

   I wouldn't say I'm a Hopeless Romantic, but if we're having a 20 minute conversation about poop, then you might be Wife Material.

   How hasn't someone invented a smoke detector that can tell the difference between "blazing inferno" & "toast"?!?

   Todays's game in Happy Valley will be referred to as "the Cornhuskers vs the Cornholers"

   Camping? Yeah right. My idea of roughing it, is a night at Motel 6 with Basic Cable.

   If a genie ever gives me a wish, I'm going to get a piggy back ride from Oprah.

   In order to reach enlightenment, you must Empty Your Mind. Unfortunately, Rick Perry took it literally.

   Not everything with a coin slot is a vending machine.. I mean, look at her.

   The final episode of Mythbusters should end with them proving they don't exist... and then vanishing.

   BREAKING: Penn State assistant coach Mike McQueary sent to the Pennsylvania Home for Horrible, Awful Gingers

   Starting to think my fear of rubbing lamps is really hurting me in the genie-finding department.

   If I were a bathroom tile salesman, my pitch would be "Think of how great this will look in the background of your social networking pics."

   11 was quite a popular number. Next year it'll be all about 12