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I can hear my loving wife and kids scream at each other about who got chocolate on our couch while I try to hang myself in the bedroom. 
How Many Blondes Does It Take To Change A Diaper......................Ask Hugh Hefner
I just had to use a can opener to get my jeans off.
My religion combines Buddhism & Scientology, or Buddhintology. I believe in Celebrities & Emptiness.
Brett Favre has thrown his hat into the ring to replace the injured Jay Cutler. The hat was immediately intercepted and returned for a TD.
Just took my Doritos bag out of the trash because I saw one more Dorito in it. I wonder if Bonnie Tyler is still holding out for a hero?
I accidentally hit a deer! Okay it wasn't a deer, it was a Smart car with fake antlers on it... and it wasn't an accident.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It's nice to find a name for something you're good at.
"Sorry I brought that up." - Bulimics
All these years in therapy have finally paid off people... My therapist just recommended I get supervision this festive season. I have always wanted super powers! BEST Christmas present ever...
this chick 'Beyonce' lost her phone today She said its on silent. I was like, "If you liked it then you shouldve put a ring on it!"
Facebook should have a limit on how many times you change ure relationship status, after 3 in a year it should auto-default to "unstable"
FB should just stop asking me whats on my mind and ask "What kinda nonsense do you want to tell everyone this time"
I killed my twin because he wouldn't admit that he was the evil one.
Tim Tebow is staying in the pocket longer than the condom I had in Jr. High
Lazy fact #254946156, You were too lazy to read that number
Don't mind seeing a nigg@ with a hideous chubber white girl, but hate it when sh'e's hot.
Dear Obama, It's ok..... No one believes in me anymore either. Sincerely, Santa
Friends don't let friends decorate drunk!
If I say something that offends you, Please let me know so I can say it again later!.. 