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Last night when I was drunk I asked my cat if it could talk, it replied! "Me? How?" 
Christmas is a good time to realize that not all your family are relatives, and not all your relatives are family.
"Dude! He just called you a thief!" "Oh HELL NO, hold his wallet!"
My New Year's resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
Kids complaining they didn't get an iPhone for Christmas or got one in the wrong color is exactly why other countries hate us.
how come there is an weekly test of the emergency alert system every single day.
The Only Difference Between My Car, And Yours Is Mine Did'nt Come Here On A Boat.
you should leave facebook when you have more relatives than your friends, in your friend list.
You know how most people feel about Hitler or whatever? That's how I am with hazelnut coffee.
nothing says American greed more then a packed mall one day after getting free stuff
Wouldn't it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?
C)-hrist gave H)-imself as a R)-eward so that I)-ndividuals know the S)-acrifices T)-hat he made for M)-ankind to A)-chieve the gift of S)-alvation.”
If her p*ssy tastes like vinegar, she wasn't expecting you to get this far.”
Lot of men don't realize the true worth of their wives.........until a judge decides the alimony amount
The Day After Christmas Diet: Breakfast: Leftover lasagne Lunch: Leftover lasagne Dinner: Leftover lasagne Dessert: Leftover lasagne Beverage: Pureed leftover lasagne
When my 2-year-old announces that she used the potty, everyone's so proud. I seem to get the completely opposite reaction.
And thus begins the 11-month unemployment season for handbell choirs.
Call me old-fashioned but I think the best part about Christmas is having your fist inside a 28-pound flightless bird.
I don't t take my Christmas Tree down...I smoke it.
I was pulled over by a woman cop this morning. Never knew kitchens had speed limits.
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