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If I'm not in your "top stories" when you open Facebook, then your Facebook is broken! ~ Me, probably. 
When I think of a good status update in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it's too late.
Just when I think I couldn't possibly be any lazier, I surprise myself.
Does anybody else check their keyboard after somebody mispells something to see how close the letters were?
I'm a kind and generous person, except for those days when, for no apparent reason, I hate pretty much everyone.
If I ever get a Jury Summons, I figure I can just send them a link to my Facebook page to get out of it.
I completed one push up without stopping. Normally I go half way then take a break
Instead of birthday notifications imagine if Facebook sent PMS notifications, so you'll know when to leave a girl the heck alone.
Don't hate the a$$hole, hate the chick that made him that way.
Ladies: Stop looking for a man to sweep you off your feet.....Sweeping is your job.
Baskin Robbins called. They said, "Thanks to you, we're down to 5 flavors."
You know you're really awesome at telling a story when strangers near you start wandering closer to listen.
Enough with the procrastination,, it's time now for excuses.
Doctors say a drink a day is good for the heart. I'm gonna live forever!
I got them moves like Jagger! (by which I mean I move like a 70 year old man)
What happens if you choke to death on a Life Saver?
If a girl stabbed me on our first date, how many days should I wait to ask her out again?
Still haven't heard Obama or GOP candidates say anything about getting rid of Jersey Shore or deporting Justin Bieber back to Canada…
The cost of living has gone up so much that my wife is now having sex with me as she can't afford the batteries now !!'
When I get old, I don't want people thinking, "what a sweet old grandpa..." I want them to worry - "I hope he is not armed with AK 47..."
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