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sometimes when I read certain things it's like having my eyes raped by stupidity. 
Got a flat tire... Pulled over to change it. Stupid guy says, "Did your tire go flat?" I said " No, I was driving along and the other 3 just swelled up!"
I've got 99 problems, so I metaphorically placed each one in a luftballoon and then send them on their way to the horizon.
parents are hypocritical.....your not supposed to take candy or food from strangers but what do they let you do every Halloween? not supposed to talk to strangers but every christmas they sit you on santa's lap so you can talk to him.
I'm fine with it raining cats and dogs as long as it doesn't reindeer
Trying to get in shape for all those people I'm not having sex with.
I've got 99 problems so I metaphorically placed each one in a luft balloon and then started slamming beers on the wall.
There has to be a way to combine Full Metal Jousting and driving. Bet I wouldn't get cut off anymore.
Im hungrier than 4 biggest loser contestants stuck in an elevator wearing honeybun scented cologne!
My house looks like a tornado sat around all day and watched TV.
nobody likes a stalker. it's what this chick was saying as I read her lips through my binoculars
There's an app for everything today except premature ejaculation but I hear that it's coming soon
Just Googled "Chris Brown" and now I have a black eye.
Don't make fun of a fat man with a lisp. He is probably thick and tired of it
I'm pretty sure if dogs could talk their most common phrase would be “Are you going to eat that?”
My driver's license says I'm an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Starting a dating site for people who just want someone to take a walk with after a big meal.
Dear Nerf, Table legs hurt! Fix that. Sincerely, Stubbed Toe
Three skiers kiled in an avalanche today... meanwhile in my living room me and my beer remain totally safe.
Wow... My boyfriend deleted me off Facebook last night.. I was single and didnt even know it! 