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Why do the people with 2000+ friends acknowledge your birthday greeting to them, yet the ones with 62 friends never do? 
The C.D.C. says that more people die every year from Diarrhea than heart attacks??? That's NOT good news for me and my family because Diarrhea runs in my "genes",,,No really,, I've got Diarrhea in my "genes" right now
Woke up this morning with green grass growing out of my head...Thanks Chi-Chi-Chi-Chia Omega 3
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China
serial killers are a dime a dozen, if you want to really get noticed your gonna have to include a little canabalism
I hate that I push myself to do so many squats and lunges only to be forced into walking like a penguin the next day.
Mom: you're all dressed up, where are you going? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new facebook picture.
I'm on a quest around the world to find Bigfoot. I'd originally set out to find cheap gas, but I decided to keep my goals realistic
We Found Love in a Swollen Face - Chris Brown ft. Rihanna
A clever horse needs only one touch of the whip...unless it's into that sort of thing.
I had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.
What's big, red, and looks like a bucket? A big red bucket.
"Would you like some tea?"..... "No".... ANARCHY IN THE UK
Nice guys don't finish last, they finish by themselves in front of the computer.
We have a robot that shoots lasers, they have a fruit. I think androids win.
People who don't like their beliefs being laughed at shouldn't have such funny beliefs.
Dear 12 year old on Facebook, how are you in a complicated relationship? Did someone steal your cookies?
"JESUS CHRIST... HOW BOUT YOU MAKE SOMETHING ELSE BESIDES PANCAKES FOR DINNER FOR ONCE!!!!" - Aunt Jemima's nieces and nephews.
"Going commando" can refer to not wearing underpants, rescuing Alyssa Milano from terrorists, or preferably both at once.
The only thing I don't like about my job is that it doesn't involve wearing a whistle around my neck at all times. 