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Why do fat people say they have to start eating right? They've obviously mastered the art of chewing and swallowing. 
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
What do you mean you can't deliver pizza to a pillow fort?!?
Paper cut: A tree's one glorious moment of revenge.
Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life. That has to be most delicious form of suicide I have ever heard.
In Whiskey and Women… The young ones are fine, but I prefer the older ones — well aged and full-bodied.
Woman first tempted man to eat; he took to drinking of his own accord.
Lets get this right once and for all: There is NO such thing as a male purse.
An acquaintance will buy you a drink; a friend will pay off your tab.
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
I wonder if fat drug dealers sell diet coke?
Facebook account for sale, Friends included & a Girlfriend.
I remember your face, and I even remember what we talked about, but what the hell was your name again?!
"This movie has been formatted from it's original version to fit this screen." How in the Hell do they know how big my TV is?!
Racism is for lazy people who don't take the time to learn enough about someone to dislike them for a much better reason.
Sometimes I think my dog is only interested in food, then I realise that's mostly all I'm interested in as well. He's alright.
Daylight savings during a leap year means I still have 23 hours of day equity left..
Was just about to pump iron but then I thought, "Does a rose need to wear perfume?"
My parents told me I couldn't be a pirate when I grew up. My movie and music collection says otherwise.
I slept late because DST time is back. That's 'cause it's really 10:35. No, I guess it's really 11:35, but it's 10:35, but it really is...well it's 11:36 now because I've gone on and on about what the time really is.
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