Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Taking my Mother-in-Law swimming off the western coast of Australia

   It was earth hour last night at 8:30. I turned everything off for an hour, couldn't see a damn thing...so I built a tire fire for some light. Still trying to put it out.

   A teacher asks Johnny to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. He says, "My sisters sweater has 9 buttons but her boobs are so big, so can only fasten eight!"

   Don't bother flirting with a girl on fb who has no pics posted of herself. You'd be better off with your face buried in Randy Jackson's a$$ all night, than to go on a date with her.

   I bet all the girls from other planets think the Miss Universe contest is rigged.

   I'm joking about 90% of the time & the other 10% is me being condescending.. Do I need to explain the difference to you?

   Ghetto Word Of The Day: COLOGNE. Usage: "You think you cologne me a dollar?"

   I don't hate you. I just hope your next period happens in a shark tank! (".)

   Why would I want to bore you with silence, when I can annoy you with small talk?

   good joke today...single people change ur realtionship status to "in a relation". when friends ask who it is say "april....April Fools"

   I am taking a shot for every "like" I get on this status. Then again, I'm taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.

   Turned on all the lights, fired up the wood stove and heater, flushed the toilets and ran the water excessively. Did my part for Earth Day.

   If werewolves lived on the moon, would they be werewolves 24/7

   Me??? Oh, just replanting these carrots and onions... We're catch-and-release vegetarians.

   I never win at Scrable

   I'm pretty sure Subway sandwiches increase in value after the sandwich artist dies.

   You're supposed to wash arugula before throwing it away,, right?

   I can't quote it verbatim,, but the mimes have a saying that goes something like this:

   Remember ... at 8:30 tonite .. it will be Earth Hour so please turn off all of your electrical devices at 8:30 pm... Heck . with all of that power being conserved at 8:30 ... It'll be the opportune time to power up my new 1.21 gigawatt Flux Capacitor!!!

   Snooki is going to give birth to a giant Nutter Butter.