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Tried to buy a Harley today but they said I had no balding as of yet? 
I want to have 3 kids and name them Ctrl Alt and Del, so if they f#@k up I can hit them all at once.
Best I can figure, women have 3 levels of sexy: 1. Got to look good for my man sexy. 2. Got to catch a man sexy. 3. Class reunion, it's on b!tches.
Mark Zuckerberg screwed over his class mates and best friend. Do you honestly think he cares about your opinion on the new Timeline layout?
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
Pardon me, Ma'am, but maybe you could use one of those unlimited breadsticks you've got there to shut your screaming baby the hell up!
I tied a string around a pork chop and hung it from the ceiling fan on my porch and now every dog in my neighborhood is dizzy as hell.
I wish my life was more like a professional wrestler's. I'd walk into work with entrance music, pyrotechnics, and a laser light show.
I know how to kill you six different ways with a pork chop bone so don't take the last helping of macaroni...
Monday came in like a lion and went out like a little b!tch.
I just don't get it. Some people talk about a bucket list but they are to lazy to get a job and buy the bucket.
I had a great joke, but Ryan Leaf stole it......
Hey ladies, if you are looking for a tough, manly boyfriend, then that DEFINITELY wasn't me that ran screaming down the hall when I walked into that spider web... I swear.
Years ago I walked in on my parents having sex. You should see my face in the video.
King Arthur: "What size and shape should we make the table?"................Sir Mix-a-lot: " I LIKE 'EM ROUND...AND BIG!"
I someitmes wonder what magical things would've been created had we all put our creativity towards something other than making the internet laugh
A message in a bottle is just ocean spam. Don't open it.
Stun guns, corn dogs & inappropriate flags. That's what flea markets are made of.
Why won't the machines just take over already? I'm tired of doing stuff.
NOTE TO SELF – Do NOT set your password reminder as “You Should Know This!!” 