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Honey, I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder... 
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
If you ever want someone to call you back, leave a message saying: "Hey! I've got extra tickets to"....and hang up. Works every time.
Harry Potter Pickup Line: You don't have to say "lumos maxima" to turn me on.
Only users lose drugs!
y'all keep saying Rhianna has a big forehead your wrong! Its more like a fivehead.
So I read the 1st page of Hunger Games... And fell asleep.
If you had a terrible childhood,,, you're gonna be REALLY-bummed out by Bank of America's options for security questions.
Go deep throat a cactus.
It's not that I need Anger Management, it's that others need Stupidity Management.
Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the "Like" button.
There is a big difference between "friend" and "facebook friend"
Time I spend listening to music - 54 seconds. Time I spend untangling headphones - 17 minutes
I have a button on my microwave that says stop time. I assume its for the timer but I don't touch it just in case.
Getting a face tattoo in college is like majoring in unemployment.
Doing my taxes this morning was so frustrating that most of my refund will be heading right back into the swear jar. 