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I wish relationship history was as easy to delete as browser history. 
TSA told me to report any suspicious activity, and they got mad when I told them I saw a black guy leaving a tip at one of the restaurant
Being skinny with abs is like being fat with big boobs... doesn't count.
I dont know whether to cut my veins or let them grow...
when everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
B*tch you're a booty call!! Stop putting your relationship status as "it's complicated"
Just remember, someone loves everything you hate about yourself.
When I'm on the phone I move my arms around when I'm giving directions even if the person can't see me.
If breakups never existed, the music industry would go BANKRUPT.
You never realize you need toilet paper until it's too late.
Don't talk to me until I've had 7 coffees.
This Donut-Scented Car Air Freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
The best way to get over your ex? Get under someone else!
Big Sunglasses: An ugly chick's best friend.
When your foot falls asleep, that's God's way of saying... "Move, your lazy a$s!"
Stop warning stupid people and give evolution a chance to work its wonderful process.
[ ] single. [ ] taken. [X] I get about as much attention as a white crayon.
My girlfriend just caught me blow drying my pen!s and asked what I was doing. Apparently, "heating your dinner" was not the right answer.
One thing you will never hear me say, "Yes, that IS my Prius"
I eat all my food doggy style. 