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My friend just had a baby. He keeps going on about how he would kill anyone who tried to hurt his child, or he would get run over to save his son. He would even take a bullet for his boy. I said, “Why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?â 
Any of my DIY friends need a "Stud Finder"?? Nothing wrong with it, just every time I pick it up to use it... the damn thing goes crazy!!!
"What did I do?" -- the horse you rode in on.
Heard the Kardashians referred to as "American Royalty" on the radio today.....Currently in the bathroom taking an "American Royalty"
Dear god if you can't make me thin then please just make my friends fat!!!
remember guys, no matter how hot she is, some dude is sick of her $hit...
the world is made of 2 types. Men and crazy people.
The Gaga Law: (RAH)^2 (AH)^3 + RO(MA+MAA) + (GA)^2+OOH(LA)^2 = BAD ROMANCE
before getting married there are 2 words a man must know that are crucial to his survival....."Yes Dear"........
Change is the necessary ingredient for all advancement, and yet it is something that very few can accept without a fight..! (",)
I have friends that my wife hates. I love those friends the most.
Just read an article about an invasive species of shrimp in U.S. waters that are up to 13 inches in length and weigh up to a 1/4 pound............................................... Give me some c0cktail sauce and I will personally do what I can to help.
It's important to have goals in life. When you want to get something accomplished, the majority of your energy should be focused on accomplishing that goal. That's why everything I do is about trying to get laid.
I have friends that my mom hates. I love those friends the most.
My Dr told me I might have that new Chinese disease...Its called Dragon Ass
The problem with all these Ivy League MBAs is they have learned to treat consumers as statisics and forgotten how to treat customers as people.
The most common phrase in China: "Hey! You look familiar!"
Now that people are posting what Organ donors they are on FB, I am going to friend all the Liver Donors..- Good to keep drinking:)
"It's suddenly hot in here!" "Sorry, Should I leave?!"
I'm moving to Antarctica, where there's no bullsh!t. Just penguins. 