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..Whenever I'm frustrated, I like picturing my enemies being d!ck-slapped in the face. ..not by mine of course. I wanna hurt em, not kill em..(",) 
I had a toy drive yesterday. I ran over all the toys the brats next door left in my yard.
Wow, A Vinny Barbarino, an Helen Keller, and a Whoot there is is statues all at the same time. Who left the computer on at the retirement home.
The best things in life are free. The worst things in life will cost you half of everything you own.
I had an active life, until some idiot came along and introduced me to Facebook.
There are 650 Trillion differernt possible games of Chess. If you already knew that, then that explains why you are still a virgin.
Probably the worst thing about being a penguin is after you're in an argument, you'll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute.
It doesn't matter how old or gangster you are- if a toddler hands you a toy phone, you answer that
What's the best thing about dating a fat b!tch? You can leave the toilet seat up and they don't notice.
Every time I see you my heart flutters, and time slows down. So either I'm in love or having a stroke!
Well that's a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I'm doing
Dear bl@ck people, stop trying to impress others with fancy cars and clothes. Let's try impress each other with investments and good credit!
I can't decide if insane people own multiple cats or if owning multiple cats makes people insane.
Do not use "Whoomp! There it is!" unless it actually is there
teens are getting drunk on Purell. But to be fair, it tastes better than Jagermeister.
Trying to decide what I hate more: 1. Mondays or 2. People who complain about how much they hate Mondays
Bikinis expose 90% of a woman's body, but men are so decent and well-behaved that they only look at the 10% that is covered.
My wife told me she wanted to increase her workout by doing some cardio, I said grab the lawnmower and push :)
When people ask me dumb questions, my doctorate degree in sarcasm requires that I give them a sarcastic answer. What! I took an oath!
Can we start counting magazines as books. I'll sound so much smarter. 