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:Shout out to single moms (because I know they put out). 
Dear Doctor Phil: I am 16 years old and I am not pregnant yet, does that mean my brother is g@y?
Hun! You are just like a doll ; Pretty, but Life-less, dumb as a rock and everyone plays with you.
WIFE: Honey, before we got married, you used to buy me expensive gifts and take me out for dinner and now you don't. Why is that? HUSBAND: B!tch please! Have you ever seen a fisherman giving worms to a fish he has already caught?
Facebook share value went from $38 to $43 already. Now Facebook has sufficient funds to install aircraft landing lights on Rihanna's forehead.
Why is Facebook going public? They couldn't figure out the privacy settings either?
I want to start my own icecream brand and call it "Lick Me Till". Lick me till ice cream...
I'm starting to think I really need a vacation, this morning I caught myself pretending the shower head was a waterfall!!
My teacher always said to me; " nothing is impossible!" He he I showed them, I've been doing it for years
Make the little things count. Teach midgets maths
I can't seem to find Funkytown on Google Maps.
Fact: Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
So you discovered your best angle when you take pictures... You lil model you, hardly recognized you! In real life!
Of course I talk to myself - sometimes I need expert advice!
Fell asleep after lunch today and had a bad dream. I hate daymares.
I just told an ethiopian to shut his fly hole.....in retrospect, I guess that was mean.
surprised my wife with a beautiful necklace and dinner last night...well actually, the candy necklace was her dinner...but hey, its the thought that counts
My neighbor is opening a pig farm... Just caught wind of it today.
Apparently,,, Someone's been putting Rogaine on my Q-Tips and toilet paper.
Man Utd have just announced, that after a trophyless season & a run of disappointing results, they have this morning, sacked Howard Webb..!! 