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British accent: Justin Biebah. American: Justin Biebur. Australian: Jastin Beybah. You just tried out all of the accents, didnt you? 
Voicemail should be renamed “messages from people over 40″
If swimming would just add one shark, I would watch it more than football.
Dear God, I wanna take a minute, not to ask for anything from you. But simply to say thank you, for all I have.
My wife is a banquet cook... If it says Banquet on the box, she can cook it!
Ladies,,, How do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket?.. Quick,, The lady patrol officer's coming..
Whoever has my voodoo doll out there ... please scratch between my shoulder blades.
Mark Zuckerburg's Facebook fortune dropped to a new low of 10.2 Billion today....How is he ever going to survive??
You can take one hell of a beating from an olive branch.
When I said that you are like a stream of bat pi$$, I only mean that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is darkness.
wait for it wait for it
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
There's a difference between leaving her unsatisfied and hungry for more.
There's few things more satisfying than putting eletrical tape over the sensors of automatic doors and watching people walk right into them.....muhahahahaha
Don't you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn't want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop
When I visit a friend who greets me with "make yourself at home," I kick him out of the house because I hate visitors!
I think I sprayed too much Febreze on my dog... but my couch and living room carpet smells so dog gone good!
In yoga it's called the "downward dog" ... In the bedroom it's called "only because it's your birthday."
Did you hear about the guy who robbed the store with a pair of scissors? Well long story short, apparently bullet also beats scissors.
You can't fix stupid, but you can duct tape it! 