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I hate when couples say "we're expecting a baby" ... like you're not expecting an alien to rip out of your tummy? Oh okay, thought it was either one or the other. 
Where are you, Ray Nagel? New Orleans needs you! Said no one ever...
A little boy asks his dad, "Is it possible to get AIDS from a public toilet seat?" His dad replies, "Only if you sit down before the other guy stands up!"
After one too many remarks about her weight, my wife went berserk. She screamed, "If you keep up with these fat jokes, you'll drive me to suicide!" "Well I'd have to, you wouldn't walk would you?" I replied.
Dear women who say “Everyone says I look younger than my age!” They're just being polite...you don't…
I'll take the mormon over the moron.
When did half the world start thinking that "realize" was spelled "realise?"
According to the employee handbook, I'm only require to show up sober. It doesn't say I can't drink once I get here.
Did you mean ASK or axe? 'Cause seriously, one is a murder weapon.
It's impossible for a woman to say 'I'm not overreacting' without screaming.
I don't regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren't on those bridges when I burned them.
Poor Chinese tourists have to buy souvenirs in other countries made by themselves in China.
If I wasn't so addicted to food and shelter I would quit this lousy job.
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don't work in vending machines?
I was asked how I can be happy when those I love suffer. They need my light during those times not my darkness. I burn brighter FOR them.
I've watched Cowboys and Aliens 13 times and I still don't know when I'm supposed to masturbate.
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone's cell phone when they aren't looking is pretty good too ツ
I used to love when my parents left little notes in my lunch box when I was a kid, like "Get an A or don't bother coming home".
You never realise how boring life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
Sometimes I'll jerk off on a dozen eggs just to give my sperm a false sense of hope. 