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Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider's web. 
Fun idea: empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Freaks out snooping house guests.
You gotta text her goodnight if she special. The other women just get the "oh my bad I fell asleep" text in the morning.
Females will stop speakin to their friends over the littlest things, but will forgive the same trifling ass dude a millions times.
Would a novel about an ethnically diverse community of slightly more than 4 dozen people devoted to alternative sexual lifestyles be titled "50 Shades of Gay?"
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
Be thankful.....in dog years, you're dead.
Gin makes you Sin. And it's also an easier word to rhyme than vodka or bourbon.
When Vanna White dies her family will receive a lot of touching letters.
When I kill a spider, I don't clean it up, I leave it there so the rest of the spiders know not to mess with me.
I heard the new NBA 2K13 is so real that when Kobe gets the ball, the pass button just stops working.
Hey girl, how about you dont tell me how much beer I should drink, and I wont tell you how much makeup you should wear.
I've been disappointed so many times, not giving a crap is almost a reflex
Stop complaining about your relationship if you're gonna stay in it, dumb ass b*tches..
Are you there God? It's me, chocolate... They keep putting me on raisins..... I KNOW,,,It's weird huh?
I hate females like this: "I'ma slap that b*tch when I see her, she got me f*cked up!" *girl walks past.* "She lucky she ain't look my way."
Game: "Would you like to try the tutorial first?" Me: "No." *minutes later* "How the hell do you play this?"
Fast food restaurants are being forced to do away with their "Play Places" because it has become too expensive to employ the army of Structural Engineers required to keep up with the skyrocketing weight of today's children.
Trust gets you killed. Love gets you hurt. Being real gets you hated.
People don't love you just for who you are, but how you make them feel. 